The calendar shows
that it is January 2015. There was no
“happy” celebration of the new year. I
turned the page and said to myself, “Yep, there you are. Like it or lump it.” (I do a lot of talking to myself now and
expect that practice will continue.)
I’ve been living in
an alternate universe for quite a while.
I have long since forgotten what it is like to have a normal life. I occupied cancer world for over a year and a
half. It was a marathon. Now I am trapped in the obstacle maze of widowhood,
finding my way in a new, solitary life.
How am I
doing? About as well as expected. Quite simply, it sucks. If you are a widow, you understand. If you are not, you don’t understand.
There is a
monumental amount of work ahead for me.
Widow duties are complicated enough, but more so these days because of digital
footprints. I started developing my
widow checklists back in March 2014, knowing full well that Jim was going to
die. I didn’t know exactly when it would
happen, but I was determined to be prepared. I was able to glean a lot of
information from sweet Sandra of Thistle Cove Farm, and I quickly adopted a notebook
approach. The checklists and my notes
provide structure. Daily task lists are
providing me some measure of sanity. I
get great satisfaction from marking through the lists.
Thanks to
disciplined fiscal management, practiced over decades, I am a widow who should
not face any financial issues for the rest of my life. I am grateful for that silver lining. The major issue that I face is a local
support network that is very meager. I
am going to have to work extra hard to find more friends and establish social
outlets.
Blogging will
probably be a low priority this year so that I have time to find my way. And, my photo challenge blog will be put on
mothballs for the entire year. I know
that my true blogging friends will be cool with all of that.
Speaking of
blogging friends, I am very grateful for the continued support that you have
given me via post comments, e-mails, and cards.
God bless you for your love!
And, be sure to check out a recent tribute post that dear Jenny (I’m Having a Thought
Here) wrote about Jim.
That's all for now, folks.
Oh, dear friend, you are so much on my heart and mind - and in my prayers - these days. I'm glad you shared what is happening in your 'new' world so we know how to best pray and support you. You came to mind this morning and I prayed again that you would have strength for the day. I'm praying that you find a support system of friends who will begin to fill your days of joy. Don't worry about us - we will be here for you and always happy to hear from you whenever you stop by. Sending hugs and wishing they could be real, delivered-in-person hugs!
ReplyDelete~Adrienne~
we certainly understand, even if we haven't walked the trail/trial you're on. you don't need to explain anything. but if you want to vent, acknowledge, expel, express, we're here for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's so good to hear from you. I've been wondering how you've been doing. I think of you every day and keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. I don't understand. But I do care. I wish I could come over and take you out for tea or invite you over for a meal. Instead, I'll think of you, and pray for you. I'll pray for old friends to rally round, for new friends to come alongside, for comfort when you are feeling lonely, and for God's presence to be very real in the night.
ReplyDeletesending you hugs across the miles,
Lorrie
Yes, I understand. It's called "Widow Brain" or "The Fog". It takes about 6 months before you can think clearly or even want to do anything. There are quite a few widows blogs and also www.widowspeakup.com is also a good place, if for no other reason than everyone there will understand and help and let you know, you aren't going crazy, even if it feels like you are.
ReplyDeleteOh Donna, I am so very sorry to hear the news...I missed your earlier post. I know you are going through the hardest of times...and there are no rules for grieving. I will keep you in my prayers for comfort, peace, and strength. A big XO is being sent your way...
ReplyDeleteHey friend, it's good to hear from you and I know I'm not the only one who will be delighted that you're staying in touch. No; I don't understand what it is to be a widow. Not even a little. And I pray fervently that of my TG and me, I'm the first one to go, so that I never will know. Maybe it's a selfish prayer but I pray it anyway. But you're a strong one, stronger than you know, because you know how to cry and you know how to laugh and you're good at those list things and you simply tend to forge ahead. I've never known you to cave or bail and I know you won't now. But still, you're in my thoughts and prayers daily as I'm sure each morning brings a certain measure of dread, as does each night. Missing him must be the worst thing that's ever happened, after the trauma of losing him, following all the horrible months of cancer world.
ReplyDeleteAs for the toasted almonds, Mr. Jim was very specific: put a not-too-large quantity of whole almonds on a paper towel and carefully, with a big knife, do a coarse chop. Put them into the microwave and give them about 30 seconds, but don't walk away because depending on the size of the pieces, you may need to stir them around a bit in the middle. They'll be done in a minute or so but they burn easily. They smell as they cook is most tantalizing. I can still remember that day we first met and how we chatted and enjoyed those salads. xoxo to you Donna and extra xoxox's to Kevin and Marty
Love to you.
ReplyDeleteTake your time.
We'll be here for you.
xoxo
So sorry for your loss! I hope you find a strong support system to help you along the way..The blogging community seems to have so many nice and friendly people willing to help in any way. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteYour words are so very much those of my grans when she was widowed three years ago...she is isolted and far from family but finacially as you adressed she too was taken care of! But it has been a very foggy clouded road for her and she is yet to really "find her way":,but surrounded by love and support she has trudged along....y wordto yopu always,always feel so shallow and fruitless but I do pay for you think of you....(i still have the stitching you made on my dresser and see it daily) My het feels deep sadness for you and also pride as I am proud of you my friend ,you have been so courageous,even when thats all you could be so greatful and so loving and kind...with those attributes I just know you'll have blessings come your way...take all the time you need,Day by ay can be a big ask after loosing the love of your life,so some days minute by minute...Not the ame but I'm always a email away xx...I will figure this ' skype" oneday as I'm sue your already apt with it...then we can chat ....big but gentle hugs your way Donna x
ReplyDeleteDear Donna, I can't imagine the struggle you are going through with all the paperwork etc. I've heard that it's a nightmare when it's not in order so at least you were prepared. And the whole reality of it all must be very painful. I'm sorry you don't have a network of close family or friends to support you and hope that will change with time. There are grief share groups in churches here. My sister-in-law is going to one along with her daughters (my brother passed in November). But, you will know what to do and when it's best. I hope you will update with us once in a while. Let us know how you are getting along. Even though we can't be there with you we do care. Praying for God's comforting arms to surround you. Hugs. Pam
ReplyDeleteYour right, I can't understand what it is like to be a widow but I have many loved ones who have lost their husbands and my heart ached for them as it does for you now. You are in my heart and have been since you and Jim began this cancer journey. Take all the time you need to heal and know that we all are here and waiting for you whenever you feel the need to say hello.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you posted Donna. You have lots of online friends to support you. Thankful that you are financially stable as well. I've lived alone quite some time (divorce) and yes I have wonderful conversations with myself. I've never been a social butterfly, so I don't have a huge physical support group. Recently I've been attending a support group for anxiety and have met a few wonderful ladies. We've met occasionally for lunch. With my anxiety, it's harder for me to get out as much as I should. Most of my support comes from Facebook. I have wonderful friends online, Sally, Brenda and most of my blogging friends. I know you don't do that, but maybe you could try it. I have no idea how you are feeling because I haven't been there. I do know you are one strong woman with lots of creativity and hobbies and in time....you are a survivor. I continually keep you in my thoughts and prayers, hon. ♥
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. Life will never be the same again and right now it does not feel good or right. Blogging will be the very least of your priorities. That said, thank you for posting. Your readers feel as if we "know" you. Most of us don't, of course, though we feel as if we do and so your loss has touched us deeply. Praying for you as you make your way on this path.
ReplyDeleteWell, Vee has expressed my thoughts exactly. Blogging sisters are women we've come to know and love but it doesn't mean we have a right to their private life.
ReplyDeleteYou are beginning a whole new journey, and one alone, so I can only say that I can be a good listener for venting and offer my long distance support.
Hugs,
Judith
Dearest Donna, I don't think anyone can really know how you feel. I only hope you can find a support group there that will help ease you into your new future. All you can do is take one day at a time. You know you are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteWords can seem so insignificant at a time like this but as bloggers, it's the only thing we have for each other. My heart goes out to you, dear Donna. No, I have never been where you are right now but I can offer you my love and prayers. Everyone here certainly understands that your world has been turned upside down. May the Lord grant you peace and comfort on this journey.
ReplyDeleteImpossível falar o que eu gostaria usando google tradutor.
ReplyDeleteConheço você há pouco tempo mas tenho muito carinho.
Envio um abraço amigo e orações.
Impossible to say what I like using google translator.
I know you recently but have much affection.
Sending a hug friend and prayers.
Not quite the same as widowhood, as you put it, but I know about the alternate universe - I'm almost two years into the loss of my daughter and the resulting loss of her 3 children because the ex-husband is in charge of them now... how one learns to live each day I'm not sure, just by the grace of God, I suppose. Donna, as I've said, my heart is breaking for you, totally. I do know that you will eventually find some kind of new normal, and that will be good, but I'm not kidding you and saying anything will be erased. Just dulled, I guess. God bless you, I continue to keep you in my prayers. Love you lots.
ReplyDeleteGrief is such an individual thing. There is no "right" way to grieve or "correct" timetable for it. Please know that your reader-friends are willing to give you as much time as you need. Do what you need to do...talk when you want to talk...be gone when you want to be gone. No expectations. Only prayers...and love...
ReplyDeleteI read the tribute post to Mr. Jim and it was so beautiful written. He was a remarkable man. I'm praying for you my friend. No one can know what someone else it going through...everyone's experiences are different. Take care of yourself my friend. Sweet hugs, Diane
ReplyDeleteI can not Even imagine what you're going through right now dear friend...Just know I'm always here for you! So many things to tend to. I've been through it for both of my parents but not a spouse. Heartrending. I'm so sorry you have to go through this....
ReplyDelete((((((((HUG)))))))))
Always in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteNo I am not a widow but I experienced it to some degree after dad died I was with my mom almost everyday. It will be a hard journey no two ways about it. I remember the day she opened up dads wallet and realized that he only had a dollar bill tucked inside it she cried.
ReplyDeleteDonna, I won't even pretend to understand, but know that I care! I left my condolences for JIm on the previous post, but while reading this post and comments, I realized with shock you also lost your mother. I am so sorry. What a heartbreaking year you've had. Praying for you, dear friend, and sending love.
ReplyDeleteI'm stopping in to say I'm thinking of you....xoxo
ReplyDeleteAre you doing okay? Probably lots of lose ends to occupy your mind. The hardest part is when it starts to get dark--don't you think? Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will make it. Slowly, but surely.
ReplyDelete