February 8, 2015

Grieving and Compassion - Rambling Thoughts


This is another long post and not a particularly happy one. Fair warning. Click out if you are looking for entertainment. If you want decorating ideas or recipes, scoot along. There are plenty of other blogs that can provide such amusements.

I have learned much in the past two years. My education will continue as I venture along the journey of widowhood. Most significantly, it has been startling clear that people generally have no idea what to say or not to say when life tragedies strike, such as cancer or death of a loved one. Goodness knows, I have made many verbal blunders in the past, and I now painfully see the errors of my ways. One achieves a whole different perspective when the coin is flipped.



Human vulnerabilities and sorrows make people very uncomfortable. As a result, they will frequently engage their mouths before they engage their brains. If you are at a loss about what to say or not say, a simple Google search provides valuable assistance. Here are a few articles to help get you on the right track:

And then there are people who choose to ignore the circumstances and disengage. Those who are enduring one of life’s most tragic events, at a time when they need critical emotional support, get the silent treatment. Out of sight, out of mind. Given a choice, I would rather have someone who says the wrong thing than to ignore me completely.

When we are presented with someone in our lives who is going through tough times, it is an opportunity for us to demonstrate God’s grace. It is a call to step up and make a difference in someone’s life. How we respond reflects our character and values.  It is all well and good to sit in church on Sunday and hear the minister’s latest sermon about loving your neighbor. However, was the message received if one goes home and ignores friends and acquaintances who are hurting?



Let me provide a small illustration. I was able to finally push myself outside yesterday and clean up the flowerbeds in front of my cottage. It is a job that couldn’t get done during Jim’s last weeks of suffering. And, since it is difficult enough to get myself out of bed in the morning, the thought of facing household maintenance activities by myself for the rest of my life is unbearable. But I made myself do the task. (When I catch myself procrastinating, I tell myself that if I don’t do it, it won’t get done. Period.) Yes, I cried while I worked the flowerbeds. About mid-way through my task, along came a nearby neighborhood couple, walking the street for some fresh air and exercise. Did they inquire about my well-being? No. Did they ignore my tears? Yes. They bantered about the weather and then told me that I needed to come over and work in their flowerbeds when I got done. Pardon me, but I failed to see the humor. However, I did clearly see that they are ill equipped to show compassion. They chose to ignore my circumstances to make themselves feel better.

Here are the facts. In the past six weeks since Jim died, nobody has come by my home to check on my well-being. Not a soul. And I have more fingers than the number of inquiries initiated by local friends and acquaintances. All of my relatives live out of state. The person in my family who has contacted me the most is one not related to me: a sister-in-law who is separated from my oldest brother. Conversations with her have always been comforting. My oldest brother called me once and talked about himself. On a positive note, I have received many e-mails and cards from blogging and other out-of-state friends.

Since Jim’s death, I have reached out to several people and even called some of my blogging friends. It has been wonderful talking with them. When grieving, I have found it extremely difficult to be the initiator. But I push myself to do it. I’ve invited a couple of women out to lunch, one a recent widow. And, I got a welcomed invitation this past week to go to a movie with a group of women, and the invitation came from someone I met at the grief support group. One neighborhood couple has invited me to dinner several times, God bless them (including on Christmas evening, so I wouldn’t be alone). One local couple invited me over for brunch about a week ago. A retired, former co-worker of Jim’s tracked me down through the funeral home, and I learned that she is a recent widow too. I will be getting together with her soon. I also am participating in a grief support group, and it is helpful to be around other people who truly understand.

Have I received enough comfort and emotional support since Jim died? Undoubtedly, no. 

Am I coping? No, not very well.

Do I feel abandoned and lonely? Absolutely, yes.

Is my heart hurting? Immensely.

Am I surviving? Yes, thanks to my sheer will and determination. God's mercy gets some credit too.



I look at the calendar and see that February 14 closes out the week. I don’t look forward to it. While other couples are celebrating, I will be mourning the loss of my sweet Jim, the love of my life. There are going to be many holidays this year that I will dread, particularly Thanksgiving and Christmas, because I will be reminded of my solitude. I now wake up alone and go to bed alone. I have no one to talk over the day, share routines, or celebrate milestones. There is no one to regularly share a meal, joke, story, or experience. There is nobody on this earth who unconditionally loves me, no matter what. Valentine’s Day will be just another day to get through, focused on household or death-related tasks that need to get done. However, I will get through it. What other choice do I have?

Well, I think I have rambled enough for today. I may have given you some food for thought. Perhaps you will consider what you can do or say to someone you know in your life who is hurting. Perhaps you will think about how you might be the one hurting some day in the future, and how your new life will unfold.

As always, I greatly appreciate your prayers.

29 comments:

  1. and i appreciate your honesty. i stay alone so much of the time, but it is by choice, mostly. i need to reach out more to a few people who matter to me.

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  2. Grieving is an ugly process and sadly, it's a long process. And working through all your "firsts" is a painful struggle. I'm so glad you are attending a support group and talking about your feelings. It does help. Do no rush yourself, allow yourself time to grieve and do not let anyone tell you how you should feel or how long you should feel it. Embrace those who reach out. I'm saying a prayer for you

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  3. I've written at least 5 different sentences and deleted them. I'm totally guilty of not knowing what to say and too often I think I say or do nothing when I should be reaching out to someone who's hurting.

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  4. Donna, I am sorry you are going through such difficult times and I'm praying for you. I have no advice, all I can say is I'm sorry and I pray that one day your pain will be less and you can enjoy your life again.

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  5. I thank you so much for your honesty. Those of us who have not yet walked this difficult road are often at a loss to know how to react. I read every word and hope all of them will sink into my heart and mind so that I can help others. I'm so thankful for the people who have reached out to you. Bless them.
    Praying for you, every day, and you often come to mind when I awake in the night. Hugs, Lorrie
    (PS - thanks for the comment on my blog - you have taught me so much about photography, and now you're teaching me about grieving)

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  6. Thanks for sharing this. I know I stumble over words in times like this. I usually end up saying something stupid. I don't think most people mean to, it's just hard knowing how hard it must be. I can't imagine the loss you feel. I hope with the support group it will help a little. Just know that we do care. Hugs

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  8. Donna, thank you for sharing these tips. I am so guilty of not knowing what to say at times like this. I think of you often, in fact even today, and say a prayer for you. I'm happy that you are getting out a little at a time. May God continue to bless you with new friends that understand and will reach out to you. Hugs. Pam

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  9. I'm reaching out to give you a big hug right now. Words don't always come easy, but a hug can do wonders. Thank you for sharing and for being so open and honest with your feelings. Grieving is a long process and must be done on your time and for as long as it takes. BIG hug to you.

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  10. I see some positive things starting to happen when you've mentioned about being invited to brunch, lunch dates and possibly a movie with a new acquaintance. Hopefully these get togethers have not been awkward and that other folks will begin to call or include you in outings.
    Personally, I've always thought a newly bereaved widow/widower needs their space for a while but who can determine how long that should be? Likely the person themselves, but how to indicate to others that they're ready for people to come around? It's not an easy situation for both sides yet you've given some insight from now being on the other side, as you said.
    Take care,
    Hugs,
    Judith

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    1. I would not recommend that you give a new widow/widower the silent treatment. They already feel abandoned and lonely, but find it very difficult for them to initiate, particularly with couples. If they don't want company at that particular moment, they will tell you.

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  11. Dear Donna, I would have to be among those who don't know what to say. But I'm sorry I don't live closer so I could actually help in more practical ways. Your words since your husband passed on have been so honest and articulate. I recognized the style of your Photo Challenge blog when I read your most recent post, and realized - here you are reaching out to help others when you're the one who is suffering. Thank you; I hope it helps some of us respond more appropriately when we need to. I can only say that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

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  12. I'm pushing Betsy out of the way.... It's my turn to give you a hug! Thank you for all of the great info, Tragedy teaches us soooo much...Even though we aren't there in person to listen, we ARE all here to listen in blog land, so keep pouring out your heart

    XXOO Carol

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  13. Donna, I feel your pain in every word that you write. I so long to give you a hug and walk along beside you...to reassure you that there are people who care (I do!!) and that you are loved! You are!! I think of you so often and pray for you when I do...

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  14. I wrote much the same post as yours, three years ago when I went through it, only I listed a few of the weird things people said to me.. Nobody gets it. We didn't get it, until it happened to us. Are you going to Grief Share? They are all over the country, just Google it--probably one year you. I found it helpful--sorta.

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  15. Hi Donna, I'm so sorry..I can't even imagine your pain. You are in my prayers everyday. Thank you for reaching out to me and sending me a card about my Dad. Yes, please call me this week. I am working today, tuesday and friday this week but I can always call you back when I get off work. I don't have any words but I can listen and I only live a few hours away. I normally only work two days a week so I have time if you need me. Love and hugs.....

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  16. Well, I love you unconditionally! Now and always! Scream, rant and rave kiddo! Life, just Most of the Time, sucks!! I can not even imagine your pain sweetheart...I've been praying for God to send a special friend to your doorstep...I just Know He will! It angers me that people ignore what is right in front of them...If I had seen you crying, I would have asked!!!
    Sending you love and hugs sweet lady...
    (((((HUG))))

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  17. People do tend to avoid the things that make them uncomfortable because they don't know what to say. I truly do wish I lived close to you. I don't know what to say either but at least I would be able to sit with you and hold your hand. Sounds like your support group will help some.

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  18. I can't imagine anyone standing in front of me crying and me ignoring it. I would have had my arms around you in 2 seconds. I have so many hours in the day and I wish I lived closer and could be your sounding board. Smacking the idiots away, it does sound like the support group is providing you with people to do things with. Thank God for your strength and determination and I'm sending a big hug as well. Love you Donna and feel free to scream and rant any day ♥ Still have you in my prayers...

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  19. I too am guilty of not knowing what to say, I do pray for you everyday, simply because I know not what else can help you at this awful time.

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  20. Keep sharing. You will educate us yet. Praying for more comfort...

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  21. I would have asked bout those tears...! I am the one who often hopes I say the right things but would sooner say I am interested in you and your journey the good bad and ugly,But im sure in the caring I may say the wrong things too...But from far away Donna I send you Hugs,I pray for the continued strength you will need to navigate times ahead.(((hugs))))

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  22. I think of you everyday and wonder how you are , your honesty as you write tells me everything. I am one of those that stumbles over what to say to offer you comfort. If I lived closer I would come over and make you a cup of tea give you a great big hug and help you with the weeds, or whatever else I could do to help. or just sit with you. Donna (Victoria BC)

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    1. I stumble over words too, even with my new perspective. I wish so many of you lived close. I would love the company, hugs, and listening ears.

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  23. Não sei falar sua lingua. Tenho medo do google tradutor mudar minhas palavras.
    Eu quero dar um abraço cheio de carinho em você.
    Abraço, carinho e orações de mim para você.

    I can not speak your language. I fear translator google change my words.
    I want to give a hug full of affection to you.
    Hug, love and prayers from me to you.

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  24. I think it is difficult for most people who've never had to walk that road to know what to do or say to someone who is grieving. I think my dad was a great example for me, simply stopping in to visit. Not having 'words of wisdom', but simply being there, a quiet but comforting presence, ready to listen when someone wants to talk, being a shoulder to cry on.

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    1. That's the problem I have. There are no shoulders to cry on. My local friends have chosen not to stop by and they don't want to listen, for whatever reason. So I have to simply endure the pain in isolation.

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  25. Dear Donna ~ I just came from Sandra's blog, Thistle Cove Farm. I feel your pain, you are in the very raw stage of grief. It is overwhelming. The tears seem non-stop, the help I received was from Jesus, reading the Bible and other writings and books for widows. I found a local Christian widows group.

    Giving to others has also helped in my grief, especially to other widows. Grieving is an individual experience. We are all different, we move at our own pace. There is no wrong or right. We just take things one day at a time. It is a very lonely journey.

    It's 2 years, 2 months and 5 days since I love my dear husband. We were married 43 years, dated for 3 years before getting married. He was/is the love of my life. I miss him every single day, and love him more than ever. The tears have lessened, but they still have ways of sneaking up on you when you least expect them. God bottles all of our tears. He has been my strength through each and every day. I have drawn closer to Him as He is LOVE, He created us to love and be loved. I am thankful for the years my husband and I had together, and know that we will be together again one day.

    I want to wish you a love filled Valentine's Day today. Let your memories flow through and over you. Cherish them, be thankful.

    (((((((Donna)))))))

    Love & prayers ~ FlowerLady

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  26. Hi Donna. I have been catching up on your blog today. Thank you for being so open about your grief and all that it brings. Reading your struggles validates my feelings, thoughts and worries of the last two and one half years. I will likely be in your position in the next year or so and will go from the nightmare of cancer and all the change and grief that it brings, to the nightmare of widowhood. My husband has metastatic head/neck cancer. I will think of and pray for you.

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Marty, here! Donna loves comments, and I faithfully pass them on to her. Thank you so much for visiting!